CODA family & the immigrant family

I finally got around to watching the film CODA last night. And the Oscars Best Picture winner did not disappoint.

I’ve heard the critics and the naysayers, but sometimes, I just want to watch a well-thought-out, feel-good movie. And this was it.

It was a historic win, yes, with almost half (40%) of the movie in American Sign Language (ASL) with most of the lead characters actually being played by deaf actors.

I appreciated the themes of what it means to be a family and as an outsider as members of the deaf community.

But throughout the movie, which portrayed the life of a CODA (child of deaf adults), I was surprised to see parallels between this deaf family and families of first-generation immigrants.

I know first-hand as a child of first-generation immigrants. I am a Korean American who was born and raised in the US to parents who immigrated from South Korea in 1979.

The community may see the deaf family as not relatable or people who are ‘in need’ when actually they can be like any other family down the street — the same way how some might see immigrant families in their neighborhoods. My parents say they stuck out in their neighborhood as the only Asian family of mostly white folks in the suburbs of Chicago in the 80s.

I see parallels in the experiences by a CODA and the experiences of children of immigrant parents (should we call them COIP?) — the reliance on the child, the burden felt by child, and the responsibilities and sacrifices pressed on child. The director, Sian Heder, also recognized these parallels as she grew up under Hungarian and Welsh parents in the US.

Ruby Rossi, the main character of the film and the only hearing member of her family, not only helps her family business by literally being their ears on their fishing boat to receive radio calls and alerts, but she’s also their interpreter in many day-to-day activities: from interactions with other fishermen to the <awkward> conversations at the doctor’s office. The family depends on Ruby.

She’s 17, and is also juggling the joys of high school, bullies and boys. Her responsibilities not only include doing her homework, but also helping her family sell fish. It’s expected of her. It’s a family thing.

Many children of immigrant parents will tell stories about figuring out taxes for their parents, making phone calls to insurance companies after their parents get a letter in the mail, and going to the doctor’s office to be translators for the parents.

Being able to provide in this way was almost like an unsaid mandate or obligation to being family.

In an immigrant household, the livelihood of the parents can seem to depend on the child — no matter how old they may be — because of their abilities to speak the language and their knowledge of the culture.

I remember hearing a story from a friend who said since she was 9 years old, she would accompany her parents to make business deals or to get a loan from the bank.

Ruby is also very protective over her deaf parents and is keen on watching out for them, making sure they’re not taken advantage of. These are the same sentiments felt by children of immigrant parents — always on the lookout for people trying to take advantage of the parents who lack the language skills.

In many senses, I feel fortunate that I didn’t have to handle much paperwork or interpretation for my parents who spoke limited English in the 90s. Somehow they figured things out themselves or got the help of others in the community. I mostly helped them understand certain American customs or American expectations — like explaining to my mom that getting manicures with my friend’s mom is a normal social activity.

But even still, growing up in a community where there were more white Americans than Asian Americans, I did feel like most of my friends could not relate to growing up in an immigrant household.

Ruby in the film points out to her peer (and crush) that he has no idea what it’s like to have deaf parents. Ruby has one reality at home, and another reality outside the home — something that many children of immigrant families can relate to.

As human beings, we all like feeling needed.

But there comes a point when others’ needs trumps our own needs, which then result in feeling frustrated or dissatisfaction in our own lives. There are times in the film when Ruby acts out in frustration when she feels like she doesn’t have the freedom to do what she wants, when she wants, because of her family obligations.

She wants to pursue singing and go to college for it. But her family wants her around more to help them with the family business, because what could be more important than family needs?

The child of immigrant families can also feel like their own needs are not being met, as they make certain sacrifices to fulfill the needs of the family. While friends are out shopping at the mall on a Saturday morning, the child of an immigrant family may be accompanying their parents to a car dealership to help them make a purchase.

And who will takeover the small family business? The expectations may fall on the child — who might not have the financial means anyway — to pursue other things like a higher education.

CODA is a heartwarming film — and with its universal themes of family and relationships — it is a story that can resonate with anyone, really.

But, it can pull the heartstrings even more for those who have felt like the odd one out, living as a child of first-generation immigrant parents. There’s a careful balancing act of loving your family full-heartedly while living out your own life.

For Ruby, she is able to do that in the end with the support of her parents. And for myself too, I’ve learned that carving out my own path is just as important to myself as it is to my family.